Articles

A WAY TO 'TAKE THE WAR OUT' OF DIVORCE
By Meg Lundstrom

Appeared in U.S. News and World Report

Divorcing after 29 years of marriage Steve Lowenstein and his wife, Inge, were starting to spend "into the stratosphere'" on combative lawyers. Battle-weary, they agreed to try mediation at the urging of their grown son. In a dozen two-hour sessions with mediator Michael Marks of New York, they found creative ways to carve up assets that included the family chemical business, homes in New Rochelle, N.Y., and Boca Raton, Fla., and sizable investment holdings. "Mediation was more expedient, more effective and more cost-effective," says Steve.

Divorce mediation, in which a couple divides assets, liabilities, and parenting responsibilities with the aid of a neutral third party, was rare 20 years ago. But today, couples are increasingly pursuing mediation as an alternative to costly, bitter court battles. It typically takes 4 to 8 sessions or 6 to 24 hours, to reach an agreement, at $100 to $300 an hour---cutting the cost of a divorce in half, studies show. Settlements occur in 90% of private mediations and 60% of mediations mandated by courts, usually in custody cases. In most studies, 70% to 90% of couples say they're satisfied with the outcome. "Mediation takes the war out," says John Haynes, president of the Academy of Family Mediators (table).

Surprisingly, "even people who have lost in some sense feel better about the results because they have more input," says Jessica Pearson, director of the Center for Policy Research in Denver. Mediation also leads to fathers complying more with child-support orders and remaining involved in their kids' lives, according to a 1998 study by psychologist Robert Emery of the Center for Children, Families & the Law at the University of Virginia. Because post-divorce arrangements are personally crafted, couples have more room to be creative than harried judges. For example, courts often split holidays between parents. But in a mediation, a parent who is unsentimental about Christmas may trade it for spring vacation with the child.

NOT FOR EVERYONE. Mediation works best for couples who are distanced emotionally from each other and who are committed to their children's best interests. It's not recommended for dissolving marriages troubled by violence, alcoholism, or mental impairment. And without the courts' discovery process, it doesn't work if either party is intent on hiding assets.

In choosing a mediator, check for membership in the Academy of Family Mediators. Ask how many divorces each mediator has handled over what period. Also ask about background. Whether a mediator is a therapist, lawyer, or former judge can matter because each brings his or her own professional training and style to the table.

Early on, you'll bring in financial statements and budget projections. If finances are complex, you might also consult an accountant or financial planner. With the mediator's aid, you and your spouse brainstorm, analyze options, and hammer out solutions. The mediator will direct you to work from easier disputes to the toughest.

Not that mediation is a fight-free zone: Mediators must be skilled at calming turbulent emotions. If tempers get hot, a husband and wife may have to retreat to separate rooms as the mediators shuttle between them. Yet most often, couples learn to talk through their differences. "People say if they could have used these problem-solving techniques in their marriage, they wouldn't be seeing a divorce mediator now," says Arlington (Va.) mediator Peter Maida.

FINE-TUNING. Once you reach an agreement, you and your soon-to-be-ex take the papers to your own lawyers. If your lawyer has objections, you may return to the negotiating table to fine-tune. In most states, a notarized agreement or brief appearance before a judge is all that's required to finish the divorce.

Although about half of the 3,568 members of the Academy of Family Mediators are lawyers, many attorneys remain hostile to mediation. "If you have one manipulative, controlling person more knowledgeable than the other you won't have a fair mediation," says Lynne Gold-Bikin, past chair of the American Bar Assn.'s family-law unit.

Against the advice of family and friends, Judy Mierop of Danville, Pa., chose mediation 13 years ago for her divorce. "I've never regretted it," she says, citing the "cordial and respectful" relationship she now has with her ex. Recently, she tried without success to persuade friends who were divorcing bitterly after 42 years to try mediation. "They were arguing over crazy little things and had their lawyers writing letters back and forth at $500 a pop, when they could have sat down and ironed it out in a few sessions," she says. Add mediation's savings to the psyche, and you've got a deal.

HOW DIVORCE MEDIATION WORKS

• The wife and husband meet with a mediator in four to eight sessions lasting one to two hours each.
• They work their way from the easiest to most difficult issues, from dividing property to child custody.
• Spouses may also use accountants, financial planners, or child-development experts as advisers.
• Once the mediator draws up an agreement, the two sides take it to their lawyers for a final check.

After a brief hearing, a judge approves the agreement and the divorce is granted.