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How to Rebuild Trust: To the Spouse Who Was Cheated On

Posted By Center for Mediated Divorce || 1-Apr-2015

After finding out that your spouse was having an affair, you may be wrestling with a mixture of feelings, including shock, devastation, betrayal, and terrible hurt. You may have suspected something was going on all along or been completely blindsided by the revelation or news. Whatever situation you are in, the good news is that your marriage is not beyond repair. Yes, your spouse must be willing to come forward and admit their bad decisions, their hurtful actions, and their selfish choices, but you must also be willing to work through matters with them after you have given yourself time to heal.

However, before you can get there, you must first be ready to take care of yourself. In a recent article written by Dr. Kathy Nickerson, some helpful tips were given to spouses who had just found out they were cheated on. We provide insight on these matters and guidance on how to think clearly in this trying time.

Processing Your Emotions & Caring for Yourself

It is completely natural to feel frustrated and overwhelmed during this time. Very understandably, you are probably feeling more hurt than ever before. Despite the seemingly dark days ahead, you can restore and save your marriage! Even though your spouse had an affair, this does not mean that they do not love you or want to remain married. It simply means they made a very bad choice and caused you significant pain as a result. It is something that should be worked through, regardless of your end decision.

Eventually, with time, you can decide how you would like to proceed with your relationship. Jumping to a decision (whether to stay or leave) right away can be more harmful than good. Give yourself time to process things and think through your emotions.

If you are ready to begin healing yourself and your marriage, follow these tips:

  • Make sure to get plenty of rest during this time
  • Avoid alcohol, drugs, or caffeine (Opt for herbal teas or water)
  • Try to eat as healthy as possible and get in some exercise each day
  • Write down how you are feeling and any thoughts you have a hard time processing
  • Take time to write down or think about things that you are grateful for
  • Reach out and ask for support from friends or family if needed
  • Be willing to request some time off of work if it seems like it would be helpful
  • Don’t sit and wallow­—distract yourself with activities
  • Open up with a close friend who you can share your feelings and frustrations with

Remember, there are many steps that must be taken to restore what you once had and give back your trust to your spouse. By making sure you maintain a level and clear head, you will be better able to process your feelings and understand where you are at with your goals for your relationship. From there, you can be ready to move forward and work with your spouse to rebuild your marriage.

If you have been unfaithful to your spouse and need guidance on how to restore your marriage, read this blog post we provided.

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